If life expectancy statistics are to be believed, 80% of current CEOs will be dead by 2030. Let that sink in a moment. The harsh reality facing the world of business is that the old guard are on their way out and the new guard are coming in. And the new guard - "millennials" - are terrible in every sense.

I work with our millennial interns every day. They're lazy, whiny, and arrogant. They find fulfillment through entertainment (aka wasted time), not money or careers. They believe in the philosophy of "Work Hard, Play Hard", but without the work. To sum it up - they are hopeless.

The thought of handing everything I've worked to build to any of these sniveling bed-wetters one day makes me sick. That's why I've started investing significant amounts of capital into cryogenic research companies, and if you value your business, I'd suggest you do the same. I hope that breakthroughs in the field will allow the current generation of American executives to preserve themselves indefinitely, allowing them to retain control of their businesses for centuries. The possibility of this technology in our lifetime is looking more promising every day.

As a powerful and wealthy man, I feel a responsibility to protect the economy from millennial control, but more importantly I feel the need to protect my legacy and my fortune. I plan to spend several years enjoying hobbies such as golfing and buying stock, after which I'll encase myself in a sheet of ice to focus on making Corporate Global even more successful. The other CG executives plan to do the same, so when you give us your business you know you can count on our top-notch service and rock-solid solutions for a very, very long time.